I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
