you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
