She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
