So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
