Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Holy shit dude........stairs
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
