bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
