Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
i've created a new STD.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
