yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I stole a fireplace last night.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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