i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
this beer tastes like vomit already
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
