Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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