I hate all girls vehemently.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
