Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
