So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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