You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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