i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
