Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
