he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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