i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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