I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
