Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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