quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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