Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
