Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
