Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
