I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
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Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
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Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
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