I accidentally had phone sex last night
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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