I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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