RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize
