im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
