I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
