i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Randomize
