I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
