nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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