Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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