As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
