Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
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