someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
did i just pee glitter
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
