I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I am available for nakedness
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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