It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
