I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
