Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize