I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
So many bounce houses so little time
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
