i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
sarcasm needs its own font
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Randomize
