i think my mom watched the whole time
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
