Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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