My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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