i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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