The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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