I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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