My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
