It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
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i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
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and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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