Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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