listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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