All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
